Being Judgemental

i like people


An oft-repeated conversation between me and my partner is about preferred social sets. He fully accepts me as I am in our little world, but is bothered about social perceptions on my introversion. (Is that being less or more judgemental?)

These are some excerpts from a recurring exchange of views.

My Partner :

Why are you always so judgemental?

Me :  

Really? Am I ?

My Partner :

I find you to be so. You need to be more accepting of people, warts and all.

Me :       

But who is talking about warts or whatever you wish to call it? They have different mind-sets, and I would be happy, if they saw things from a different perspective. But, it is none of my business. And if I accept that it is not, then am I being judgemental ?


I cite a few dictionary definitions, to support my case.


(disapproving) judging people and criticizing them too quickly

(formal) connected with the process of judging things

The Free Dictionary

Inclined to make judgments, especially moral or personal ones:

Merriam Webster Dictionary

‘tending to judge people too quickly and critically’


‘having or displaying an overly critical point of view’.

My Partner :

Exactly. The definitions spell out how you behave at times.

life inside my head

Me :      

I wonder why the word judgemental has acquired a negative connotation, whereas the meaning of the parent word ‘judgement’ is about having a balanced view. Why am I not accused of the crime, when I compliment or befriend a person? I am using judgement.

What makes us different?

My inherited traits, acquired knowledge, life experience and the microprocessors inside me, all contribute to the formation of my world view. It is the same with the other person. And it is not necessary that we share all the factors in the same proportion. It is about finding the Highest Common Factor, and the Lowest Common Denominator, and building a social life between that.

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn has said that we are the average of five people closest to us. This is based on the law of probability, which says that the result of any given situation will be the average of all outcomes.

(Source :

I interpret the assumptions behind the statement as follows :

  • Exchange of positive interpersonal energy boosts us.
  • Exchange of relevant information supports us.
  • A forward thrust comes easily from shared goals, and a combined effort.
  • A constant review and readjustment of our microprocessors, helps us in choosing the best possible options.
  • Lesser the friction, higher the energy conserved for positive action.

Then, is it wrong, if I prefer spending less time with dissimilar or clashing mindsets?

I am exercising a choice, not being judgemental.

My Partner :

Is it ethical to change the circle? We have certain obligations to the people we have grown up around, and who have contributed to our lives in some manner. They cannot be sidelined, because you have grown and evolved in a different direction. Glenn Lopis says that the doubters, critics and the envious are the people that build up your mental toughness. Do not run away from them.

Me :

I fully agree, and I do not intend to be selfish or rude. But I see a graded pattern in interactions, and it is about mindsets, not obligations imposed by the Parent or Child inside me.

The four zones of physical closeness are intimate, personal, social and public. I have a similar mental classification, and my discomfort increases, when people from the outer zones make attempts to migrate inwards.

The zones are defined by the time spent with them, the level of formality, the range of topics discussed, and a two-way flow of thoughts.


My Partner :

But, why do you assume authority on classifying people? Our kith and kin have a greater right on our resources and time.


I accept that in a macro perspective. But I reserve the rights to choose the kind of interactions that I would like to have, and with whom. I may choose to spend time with myself, or focus on the initiatives that they are not a part of.

My training in Coaching has taught me to be non-judgemental, but confined to the particular case and situation, and with an objective of not obstructing the client’s flow of thoughts. It is all about the client, as long as it is the client’s life.

My acceptance increases with an expansion of my world view. Larger the canvas, smaller the problem appears to be. The perspective changes with the context. It is the framework on our thought process, and it keeps shifting.


Life goes on, and so do the discussions. The kith and kin are only chosen as an example, and the situation can occur with any social or professional set of people.

Your perspective is most welcome.


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